If you are a regular reader of this column, you have probably noticed that I travel a lot. But you may have also noticed that I never really actually SEE anything in my travels. That’s because in these magnificent modern times, generic airports and interstate highway systems, one can actually journey for hundreds, nay, thousands of miles…and never see a thing.
Heck, I have more adventures sitting at home and Googling, and I am not alone. Folks all over are exploring the Alps, trekking through rain forests, and ogling all the great wonders of the world, both natural and man-made. Unfortunately, they are doing it while shoveling handful after handful of Doritos into their mouths while sitting on their ever-expanding keesters in front of their personal computers.
Why even leave home? You can work from your computer and shop from your computer. With credit-card purchasing and free delivery, we might never have to set eyes on another human being as long as we live. Now, as for who will do the actual WORK…well, there are thousands of Mexicans streaming across the border every day. They are doing most of it now, anyway.
We’ve gotten so soft, we are in danger of ending up evolving into those pasty little Eloi from H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine.” Think about it: someday Morlocks everywhere might be sitting in front of THEIR PCs, shoveling their mouths full with our progeny. Eloitos, they might call them.
Families take their places in front of the television with the Wii or Playstation plugged in and enjoy virtual bowling without the hassle of lifting the heavy ball or wearing shoes that have been who-knows-where, while the kids take about as much time to master games like “Guitar Hero” or “Rock Star” as it would for them to LEARN TO PLAY THE ACTUAL INSTRUMENT…
…So they can grow up to live alone in a sunless apartment while having virtual sex with avatars from all over the world, stopping only to grab the bag of Chinese takeout which was left by the door because they ordered it online and included the tip on the credit card purchase…
Meanwhile, I am in airports around the world and can’t tell you where I am because they ALL LOOK ALIKE, with the same McDonald’s and TGI Fridays and FOX Sports Grills and not a hint of local culture to be seen because space is at a premium and nobody local can afford the rent…
…Or maybe I am driving along the Interstate where, unless I see a mountain or something, I have NO IDEA where I might be because all the interchange travel centers look exactly the same, with the same fast food and gas stations because, hey, same deal as the airports. Space is precious and we can’t have Old Al’s Oil, Lube, 16-foot Stuffed Alligator and Flea Circus or Aunt Franny’s Beanery & Charm School taking up space that a Burger King or a Sheetz would pay three times as much for…
…And thus the Great American Melting Pot – and soon, perhaps, the world – has become not so much a tangy and rich fondue as it has a giant Tupperware bowl of Cheez-Whiz. Perfect for dipping Doritos. Or Eloitos. Just don’t get any on the keyboard or the credit card function might not work and then you will have to actually ANSWER THE DOOR and pay the Chinese food delivery HUMAN BEING in cash.
You will not even notice that he is Mexican.
