Apppomattox News

As any of you who have read my past work - I am assuming you never blink – might know, I am continually extolling the virtues of Appomattox as a great place to come home to. I’m an authority on the subject, as I am coming home to it all the time.

But just once, it would be nice to be able to stay home. Alas, in my line of work that is not an option. That is why I spin yarns of exotic adventures in faraway places, when in reality I can usually be found at a cafe downing pints of Guinness at a rate that would appall an Irishman, all the while bemoaning the distance from home and boring everyone to tears talking about my horses. It’s a good way to kill an evening.

My usual work schedule is to work at sea for four months, then return home for a two-month respite. Her Dragonship, whom you probably know better as Appomattox News Managing Editor Pamela Matlack Klein, always has a martini or homemade beer waiting for me upon my return, all the better to present me with the “honey-do” list for the next 60 days. I am always hoping that the list includes something like “set world’s record for continuous napping,” but it never does.

This past trip, however, I was out for five months rather than my usual four, then found out I would be heading back to sea after a mere month. That would have been tough enough, but then fate intervened with that bittersweet double-edged sword of a dream called “career opportunity.”

It’s an opportunity I can’t afford to pass up. Unfortunately, it will mean even longer stretches away from home and shorter vacations, but it also means we can finally replace the fence and erect a proper barn. Maybe someday I will even be able to see it.

Back to the unfortunate side. Part of the new opportunity also required me to go up to our Nation’s Capital – from where I am writing these words – for “processing.” I had assumed this would be a one-day affair, so imagine my surprise when I was informed it would take two weeks. This includes security checks, job training, form filling outing (or something), and the always entertaining government physical, which anyone who has ever served in the military can tell you is more fun than a barrel of rattlesnakes, but not by much.

So far, it has been somewhat a comedy of errors. I was told that someone would meet me at Dulles Airport. They didn’t. Fortunately, I had an address for the hotel, though the person who gave it to me didn’t know which hotel the address was for. A trip to the information desk cleared up that little mystery, and I was able to go down to ground transportation and grab the proper shuttle. An oversight, but certainly not insurmountable.

My hotel room at the Homewood Suites was certainly spacious. It is an actual suite: kitchenette, separate living room and bedroom, two TVs. Unfortunately, it was also 80 degrees and the air-conditioning wouldn’t work. The friendly maintenance man did his best, but the unit had apparently given up the ghost. The concierge was helpful, informing me that they would either have to move me to a different suite or add on an extra charge for the in-room sauna. Being the frugal sort – by order of my wife – I opted for the former.

The new suite was a carbon copy of the other, except that the air-conditioning worked…and the phone didn’t. Every time Pamela would try to call, she’d get looped immediately to the voicemail. Once again, the concierge was most helpful by informing me that as a special favor they would not charge me extra for the “deluxe privacy service.” I managed to talk him into fixing the phone, which especially needed it after I hit him over the head with it a couple of times.

The next day, the security folks for the new firm asked me to present the paperwork that someone should have told me to bring. They didn’t, so neither did I. So far, so not good. A few frantic e-mails to Pamela have put things on the right track however, so that should all be cleared up before week’s end. Or else.

I’ve just finished reading over what I have written so far and I haven’t found anything funny. These things happen. But there is still lots of “processing” to do, including the physical. Tune in next week for details. If you dare.

Publishers Note: I found this article hilarious. But, then again, I’m not Bill. ~ Linda Goin