Once again, the less-than-luxury not-quite-cruise liner on which I work and reside is back at anchor off our “home away from home,” the island of Saipan. Saipan is a member of the Commonwealth of the Northern Marianas Islands (CNMI), a US protectorate…which means they take US money. As much of it as they can, in fact.
Times are turbulent in Saipan these days, as soon they are scheduled to be “federalized,” which means subject to Federal law. And I mean Federal, as opposed to federal, which I think is a kind of cat…oh wait, I’m thinking of feral, which is actually not a bad description of the kind of laws they have here now.
The government here is so corrupt they make the Illinois statehouse look like Eagle scouts. Although Saipan’s tropical climate means warm weather the whole year ’round, you are always seeing its politicians with hands in pockets to ward off the chill. Problem is, the pockets are not usually their own.
As for the complaints about nepotism in Saipan’s government, well, I will be kind and state that they are all “family men”…if you get my meaning. But I am willing to give the Saipan island fathers the benefit of a doubt. After all, perhaps it is cheaper to have those desk nameplates printed up when all the government employees have the same last name.
Maybe it isn’t really even nepotism. Perhaps it is incest. An island this small has so much inbreeding, they make the royal family look like the DeBolts. (That’s an obscure reference intended as a humorous aside. If you look it up, you will find that it is hilarious. Trust me on this one.)
You can’t swing a dead fruit bat without hitting a relative. This is a proven fact, as swinging dead fruit bats is a national sport and all sorts of cousins are always getting hurt, especially if the bat was just sleeping and wasn’t really dead. Being so rudely awakened tends to make one irritable, and bats are no exception.
Inbreeding would certainly explain whoever is in charge of utilities. The electric power is so bad out here, there are neighborhoods that spend more time in darkness than Estonia in January. (Another obscure reference that you will find hilarious upon further research. Trust me on this one. You’ve got Google, use it!)
One of the ways federalization will affect Saipan is immigration and wage laws. This proud island, once known affectionately by the international business community as “kind of like Vietnam, except with a Costco”, Saipan was known for its thriving garment industry, until the feds got wise and discovered that the “Arts & Crafts” activities at all the island’s daycare centers consisted of making Nikes. Seems the little nippers had no clue how to make a hat out of a newspaper, but could whip out a pair of cross-trainers like nobody’s business.
And the immigration laws won’t make things any easier for the local government either. It’s not like honest local citizens will be clamoring for the vacated jobs in Saipan’s, um, “hospitality” sector, which is currently in the capable hands – so to speak – of various nubile wenches of decidedly non-US origin. Ambitious young ladies with aspirations to higher social rungs don’t marry into powerful island political families just to end up working in “buy me drinky” bars in downtown Garrapan. That’s where most of them met their husbands in the first place.
So it will be interesting to see how it all works out. Saipan’s governor is already hard at work, filing suit against the US government to prevent the federalization from happening, and using island taxpayer funds to pay the lawyers despite the fact that the majority of Saipan’s citizens – that is, those not related to the governor, which is probably a majority, maybe – appear to be in favor of the move.
So, next time you find yourself getting a little riled at your local government (hello, Appomattox County Board of Supervisors!), remember that someone else usually has it worse than you. It’s good to be back in Saipan, despite its faults. Wonder if I could interest them in a waterline? Folks in Appomattox will find that last line hilarious. Trust me on that one.
