Holding Fourth
Growing up in Wisconsin, the Fourth of July was never one of my more favored holidays. Oh sure, the fireworks were kind of cool, and running around in our front yard with sparklers was enough to keep the Wisconsin Woolly Mammoth Mosquitoes away, at least for a little while. But they would always come back. They used the downtime to fly over to Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee and try to pick fights with the planes. The party would usually break up when one of the mosquitoes would get refueled by mistake.
Of course, we know that the Fourth of July marks the date when the Declaration of Independence was signed…although experts say it may have been as early as the 2nd of July, or maybe the 5th. It seems that in 1776, the 4th fell on a Sunday, so the experts reason that the Declaration was not likely to have been signed that day. They figured the Founding Fathers took the day off to barbecue, mow the plantation or go to a Phillies game.
Anyway, it never really made sense to me because the signing of the Declaration of Independence STARTED a war, whereas it is usually our habit to celebrate days when the wars END. You know, V-E Day, V-J Day, Armistice Day, Reunification Day, the Day We Stopped Doing That Stuff in Korea and Vietnam Day, that sort of thing. Ending wars is usually a good reason to celebrate, while starting wars generally is not…the present White House administration notwithstanding.
Now, I know that the signing of the Declaration didn’t immediately start the Revolutionary War, but let’s face it, we knew what was coming. When a bunch of powder-wigged smart-alecks get together and send a letter telling the King of England that, hey, we don’t want to be your subjects anymore, and oh yeah, we’re keeping the land, try and stop us, neener, neener…well, you couldn’t expect the old boy to not take a modicum of umbrage at such impudence.
But what I’m trying to say is, wouldn’t it make more sense to celebrate the day when the Revolutionary War actually ENDED, when those pesky redcoats hauled posterior back across the pond to their island off the coast of France and took their nasty kidney pies and bangers and mashes with them? I have no idea what those things are, but just the fact that we weren’t fated to eat food that even sounds like that is reason enough to celebrate for me.
I’ve spent several 4ths of July overseas, some in England and Europe. Did you know they don’t celebrate it over there? Go figure. You would think they’d come up with some kind of consolation prize type of holiday, like “At Least Detroit Isn’t Our Problem Day,” or something.
They celebrate Independence Day here in Saipan, but what they celebrate here is independence from the Japanese. Of course, now they are dependent on the US. Some day, perhaps Saipan will celebrate a true, independence and self-sovereignty day…as soon as they can afford it. I wouldn’t go making those flight reservations just yet, folks.
As much a cultural buff as I am, I also dislike teeming masses of drunken, rowdy celebrants. That is why I try to avoid places where I’m likely to run into them, such as Super Bowl parties, New Year’s Eve bashes, Spring Breaks in Florida, weekends at the Kennedy compound, etc. So I passed on the evening’s festivities, opting for a quiet evening in my room enjoying intellectual pursuits and reading a book. I even found Waldo.
Well, after an exhaustive search….by Google anyway, I found that nobody really knows the exact date the Revolutionary War ended. It is said that the British finally granted America its independence sometime during November, 1782. Curious. You’d think there would have been at least one person who might have thought to write something down. I mean, it was probably close to Thanksgiving, so it wasn’t like somebody wouldn’t have been able to find a quill with all those dead geese and turkeys lying all over the place.
So I guess we are stuck with July 4th, as staying drunk for the entire month of November would be costly and impractical, not to mention extremely painful. Don’t ask me how I know. But let’s try to make sure that when this current war ends, somebody please make a note of the date, you know, in case someone should ask later.
Actually, the CNMI celebrates the day that the US forces let the local people out of Camp Susupe. We were liberated from the Japanese a year earlier.
Thanks for the correction, Angelo. Though this column is meant to be humorous in nature - whether I have been successful in that regard is still open to debate - I do try to get my facts straight. My apologies and thanks again!